What an Honest Online Dating Profile Would Look Like

Google tips for writing an online dating profile and you'll average 18,000,000 results. By following these experts advice, you will most likely see an increase in hits and possibly messages. Most of these articles would advise you to blur the lines between truth and reality. Now, I'm not a fan of fabrication myself, but I do enjoy presenting an honest image as eloquently as possible. However, this post is not about that. This is what my online dating profile would look like if I were 100% brutally honest.

My Self Summary

Hi, I'm Jocelyn. Pronounced Joss-lin, not JOSH-lin. Don't get it twisted. Now that I've visited Mexico, I'm a world traveler extraordinaire. The older I get, the more I start to believe in the merits of moving to a hippie commune. (Who doesn't love free love and living off the grid?) Also, food. I LOVE food. My extra padding came from years of delicious gluttony, not a thyroid disorder. Also, if you can't get with my home girl Ke$ha, don't even bother messaging me.

I have a not so secret crush on Jon Stewart, and all Jews really. I've been searching high and low for a Jew of my very own. But not one of the religious ones. Cultural Jews FTW! Seriously, any people that have perfected the fried potato pancake truly are the chosen ones. I'm super smug about joining a CSA two years ago, but guess what? I'm usually too busy/lazy to cook all the damn produce it gets chucked or given away. But I'll still look down my nose at you for shopping at conventional grocery stores.

I'm pretending to be busy planning out a vacation to Ireland that probably won't happen due to my expert procrastination skillz. 

 

What I'm doing with my life

Like 98% of you, I'm pretty sure I loathe my job. Most days. Some days I love it because I can goof off and not work and no one questions me. Other days, it takes all my will power not to staple my hand just to distract me from the fact that I've answered the same question to the same person every week for the past five weeks. My paycheck is rewarding. That's about it.

I'm also going to college. Full time. Along with my full time job. How do I manage a social life on top of that? Procrastination. And half-assing it during the last month of the term.

I run. For fun. Usually. Some days I seethe with anger at myself because I didn't have it in me to increase my speed/distance/whatever from one day to the next. I have lofty goals of running a 10K, but lets be realistic. I just say this to make you feel physically inadequate. 

I'm really good at

Torturing and/or berating my cats. Cursing like a sailor. Pirating music like a ... pirate? Remembering every thing you will ever say to me.

I don't really make a 'mean apple pie.' It's more mediocre. But guys dig chicks who make pie, right?

The first things people usually notice about me

My infectious laugh. It's more contagious than MRSA.*

 

Favorite books, movies, shows, and food

I hardly read books anymore not because I don't have any free time, but because I fill said free time with way more exciting things, like marathons on Netflix and drinking. When I do read, it's usually because I can't sleep, or I'm pinching a loaf.

My favorite movies are ones where I'm laughing hysterically at the complete absurdity of the characters lives or ones where I'm bawling from start to finish because their lives are such shit. There is no in between.

I've noticed a theme with my favorite TV shows. The lead male characters are all lunatics: The Doctor, Archer, Don Draper, Rick Grimes, and half the cast of GoT. Another common theme? They're sexy lunatics. Mm-mmm.

My playlists will probably make you think I have ADHD. Too fucking bad. I've given up hope of meeting someone who likes the same stellar music as I do. You will have to deal with me taking control of the music selection on long road trips. (i.e., Any car ride >15 minutes.) And my awesome car singing. Don't worry, I come with complimentary ear plugs.

See self summary above. I LOVE food! As long as it's not laced with man made chemicals anyway. 

The six things I could never do without

Coffee
Alcohol
Making fun of modern art
Disco fries
Vibrams
Road trips

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Why can't autocorrect account for possible social awkwardness rather than misspellings?

For instance, having my phone warn me that 'Time for my monthly gyro fix.' may be misread as 'Time for my monthly gyno fix.', would have prevented massive amounts of confusion and yet one more uncomfortable conversation with my mother...*

On a typical Friday night I am

-Trying to convince my married friends to stay out later than 8PM at the bar.

-Slipping into my PJs at 5PM for a Netflix marathon.

-Diligently working on my school work. (Not really, but this is what I tell my family.)

-On a date that makes me question the viability of our species.

 

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

Yes, I really am this (insert your favorite adjective here) in real life, but only if I either feel comfortable around you, or I've past the point of caring what you think of me.

You should message me if

You agree with the merits of a plant-based lifestyle, but could never go vegan because of bacon, gruyere, or hollandaise sauce.

You appreciate 'quirky' women. 

You think we'll hate each other. I do love to go on dates just for the story of it, don't you?

You want to invite me over to see the bunker you're preparing for the zombie apocalypse. ;)

*This actually is in my profile.